How to Lay a Trap for Humans
By the Goblin Collective
There are many now trying to get in on the Human trade. I can’t say I’m surprised. The gold is good and the stigma of the “dirty meat seller” is thankfully on the decline.
All this said, I’m seeing way too many so-called “hunters” making botch ups of basic tactics. When the collective contacted me to put my many years experience into a manual, I saw the wisdom of such a tomb immediately.
Hunting humans has been a pastime and income stream for many years now. Goblins around the globe have used humans as a useful beast of burden and food group. As beasts of burden they are commonly used as heavy labour, cannon fodder and housemaids. As a food group there is much variety in quality and a human type can be found for every budget. More on types will be told later.
A small contingent of our people consider humans to be worthy sporting prey. I personally find this repulsive. Not only is it disgusting to waste perfectly good food like that, hunting something so intellectually inferior surely cannot display any sort of prowess.
There are hunters and then there are problem makers. Which one you turn out to be will be dependent on a few basic rules. Firstly, no other human may witness the attack. There is currently a belief among humans that Goblins do not exist. When lesser beings carry a belief as their core identity, everything else they encounter must make sense next to that belief. Humans have adopted the fallacy of “Apex Predator” into their core identity, and thus cannot accept the existence of any predator about them. The idea that they are food is so far removed from what their core identity dictates, that they simply cannot see us. Occasionally a rare one will, but on more on human types later.
Secondly, stick to your territory. While healthy competition is encouraged, too many missing humans attract attention. The other humans go on high alert, and become harder to trap. There are certain guardian entities that protect the humans as well. Guarding humans is a cushier job than others, and they will work to protect their easy lifestyle. In addition to this, bad blood runs between many hunters die to poached targets and stolen contracts. Your success in this industry requires keeping good relations, as royal missives hit us all equally. We’re in it together, so play fair.
Lastly, use the whole human. Wastage is a problem for everyone. If too many missing humans attract attention, imagine what too many random feet would do. Human authorities would comb the area, making hunting impossible. If you ever create this scenario, it is your duty to fix it. The quickest way, if a bit costly, is to hire a dreamsmith to convince a local human they killed those feet owners. Leave the human with a corpse and memories of the events implanted and an urge to confess. The hunting ground will be back to normal in a month or so.
A hunter is only as good as his tool, so let’s cover some of the essentials. Of utmost importance is the lure for your target. Too many choose any random lure and let “fate” decide which human it traps, as though that were somehow more seemly. “Fate” will bring them the same thing each time. Failure. Oh of course some lures attract humans no matter who they are. Currency is a good staple, rubbish is another. Far too many humans will handle the rubbish of their peers. Disturbing and dirty but dependable. However, these lures are not guaranteed to draw in all humans. If you want to be sure of success one hundred percent of the time, you need to tailor your lure to fit the type of human you’re after. The other things of note will be rope, a body bag for the food humans or a contract for the keepers. Your kit doesn’t need to be any more elaborate than that. A few sleep charms for any stray human that wanders in while you pack up will come in handy, but if you’ve planned your hunt right you shouldn’t need them.
Depending on the type of human you’ve chosen, you may or may not need to hire a team. Understand each human has a different value, and your team will need to be paid from this sum. Aim to hire no more than what is actually needed, both for finances and speed of operation. The larger the team, the greater the risk of botch ups.
Each type of human requires a particular type of lure yes, but also important to note is the times each group is active. It does you no good to place out your lure when none of your targets will arrive for hours. You will no doubt come across more in your career but what follows are the basic human types, with suggestions for how to hunt them.
By far the easiest quarry is the atheist. This type of human, in his “apex” delusion, believes irrefutably that there is no such thing as goblins. Provided you choose the right lure this type of human is easy pickings. They simply don’t have the capacity to sense the danger before them.
You can obtain morphing lures at most markets. You will definitely get what you pay for. Invest in a sturdy, well crafted, reusable lure and you can’t go wrong. Atheists make up a sizable chunk of the human population. You can cut your potential income drastically if you exclude them.
Running them a close second are the religiously devout. They too simply cannot fathom any danger, though they at least are aware there are “non earthly” dangers. They just believe their god (there are far too many to list) will save them from all harm. I’m sure it is off saving some of its followers. Just because I have never in 137 years seen one doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. There is probably a slim chance though.
The correct timing of this group requires some research. Each faith sees its adherents keeping different schedules. Though for all of them the best times are directly after a group meeting, as when they have just finished prayers. At either time, they are open to receiving gifts or messages from their god. Choosing a lure that is tied to their faith’s tenants, or designed to stir a feeling of virtue and righteousness will work best on their humans.
If you do choose to bring a group, try to avoid choosing any specifically named an enemy of the target’s faith. These humans Do believe in their existence, so they will be spotted straight away. You really need no more than someone to drive.
Next up are the main labourers, or what they call the working class. This group is more given to superstition, as the bulk of them believe in something outside their reality but would fall into a stupor if they were ever confronted with it. The keynote of this group is their hope. They are actively looking for something magical to happen. Many will even grab an inappropriate lure on the chance that this is their magic moment.
Because of this, the lure is not terribly important. The key to success with this group is the power of suggestion. You truly could use a lollipop and if you make them believe wonders await they will snatch it with glee.
This is where suggestion comes into play. This type is harder than the first two, as you must know a little about your target. What kind of magic specifically entices them? Do they want a ticket out to escape their lives? Do they want to be a hero on a quest? This type of profiling is extensively covered in Dr Aklers “Guide to the Human Condition for Naturalists and Fanciers”, so I”ll not repeat it here. Knowing which kind of magic your target prefers, you can obtain a lure that will do half the job.
Even the best, most carefully chosen lure will be ineffective without the right setting. Humans of this sort have a general apathy towards life that will need to be overcome. Your group should be made up of mood enhancers. A leannan Sidhe will provide just the right amount of fear. The aura of a house sprite will create a feeling of being protected. This combined with the fear should produce a feeling of bravery. Lastly, an entity matching the chosen magic type will create the pull. Skillful hunters have been successfully trapping humans of this kind with no better lure than an artfully placed flower.
Why go to this length? Quality of product. The apathy pervasive to this group results in a fitness level that assures a good deal of marbling. Butchers throughout the Autumn Court of Fae pay highly for a healthy specimen. They come in varying degrees of health, though even the sickly ones are of some value. In fact the frailer ones can often make for more compliant house slaves than the previous groups.
The last group I’ll mention are my greatest source of irritation. There are a subset of humans who coast through life despite never utilizing a brain cell. They have no usable skills, are erratic and unpredictable, and appear to exist purely for the entertainment of others. They are so intellectually stunted they are unable to look after themselves. To their credit, most of them know this, and so attach themselves to other humans through various means.
This group would not recognise a lure even if they were slapped with it, so don’t bother. The primary source of my irritation with this group is their rock solid self preservation. It appears that in humans, the less the intellect is used, the stronger the intuition becomes. They just “know” something is off. This randomly activating inner knowing unravels any trap. This is a group you will just need to run and catch. Unless you are into hunting for sport, in which case this is your perfect prey.
Now, having chosen your target, the appropriate time and obtained the right lure, some notes on executing your trap:
- Make sure you place your lure when there are no other humans about. If it is unavoidable, a few sleep charms should see you through. When they wake up they will assume it is a dream, especially if you Take The Whole Human.
- If you are utilizing mood alterers give them time to begin their work before your prey arrives.
- Have your ropes ready to go. I cannot stress this enough. The number of lost targets due to fumbling with knots is absurd.
- Let your prey enter the trap in full before you spring into action. They need to not only hold the lure, they need to have made the mental decision to claim it as theirs for the magic to work properly.
- Ensure your exit is clear at all times and have your transport nearby.
I leave you to your particular take down methods, but in any case, once you see the lure glow you are ready to proceed. Most vendors, even butchers, prefer their humans alive. Fret not if you accidentally kill it, most knackeries are not fussy on the origin of their produce. Pay will be minimal but gold is gold and again, clean up after yourself!
Once your human is entranced, place the rope around its neck and lead it to your vehicle. It should be that simple but sometimes the human’s willpower fights back. A light strangling will see them to sleep, then straight into the body bag. They will have enough air to keep them alive if you make your delivery immediately. Do NOT use a sleep charm on the humans you intend to sell, no industry wants humans adulterated any further than they need to be.
Now, this is very important. Go. Straight. To. The. Trod Roads. If I had to pick one thing that gets hunters regularly, it’s allowing for chance. The longer you tarry in the human world, the more stops you make before your return, the more likely it is for botch ups. The lure might wear off, the human might escape, someone else might steal it, it might suffocate, the list is endless. Get on the trod, the main path between worlds, and get back Fae pronto.
Disposal will require thought. To the Market, where merchants trade slaves for profit? To the butcher, if the prey is of good food quality? Again there is always the knackery for poorer specimens. Whichever you choose, go quickly and prepare to barter. It is always better to get gold at time of delivery. If you agree to an account there will always be a time when you are working for free. The Lords don’t like it but then the Lords don’t like to pay their accounts. Honest pay for honest work.
There ends my thoughts on the hunting of humans. I hope this text serves to enhance your knowledge and provide you with successful hunts. If you have further questions, send them to the collective, not me.
Signed,
Glenork Tr’Kast
Head of Darkwood Trading
C.M. Wellsmore 